And now, a word from our newest sponsor

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night feeling as though you can’t breathe? Dizzy? Disoriented? Stuffed full of nuts?

After a long restless night do you ever find acorns in a pool of vomit on your pillow?

Do you ever wake up with fir on your tongue?

Did you recently die due to hazelnut inhalation?

If so, you may be another victim of the urban squirrel. No fear, the NUT-LESS WONDER TM will save your sleep, and maybe even your life!



With a growing shortage of healthy trees in urban areas, the city-slicker squirrel is finding more inventive ways of storing its nuts. It will find its way into any tiny crevice in your home in search of the perfect gaping hole. The snoring slack-jawed skull of a deep-sleeping male is the ideal storage facility to these horrid little creatures. Men ages 10-100 are most at risk, as they just can’t seem to keep those pie holes closed and use their noses as God intended. Their relentless, unfathomable snores act as a siren song, luring the urban squirrel to its target in the dark of night. Men are also more likely to snore their way through an earthquake, volcanic eruption or nuclear bomb explosion undisturbed. They have the gift of ridiculously deep sleep while maintaining an absurdly unfair portion of the bed and bedding. They’re just aggravating loud unmovable objects that just lie there and snore and sweat then never make breakfast!!
Um… Anyway… Sorry, where was I… oh yes…

But now for the first time EVER there is a cure!! The NUT-LESS WONDER TM is a neoprene chin sling that is scientifically crafted, by our very own Nutty Professor, to keep those gaping jaws closed for business. See for yourself how this miracle of engineering works to keep those pesky nuts away from your gaping hole!

Here is a Before:



As you can see, the acorns can really pile up, blocking vital airways.



With the NUT-LESS WONDER chin sling you can finally get a good night rest, and if your girlfriend manages to kick your dead weight to the other side of the bed she has a fighting chance of doing the same.


Oh don’t get me wrong. Women are targeted as well, although much less frequently, and women face greater risk of exposure on the other end. Rest assured, we are teaming up with rodent expert Richard Gere to create a brand new neoprene thong, coming out soon!