While very few details of the murders are being given to the public, detectives on the case have revealed that they do in fact have a suspect who is currently at large and wanted for questioning. They are staging a nation-wide manhunt and are asking you, John Q Public, for help in identifying and reporting this alleged psychopathic nut bar.
Miami Dade Police Chief, Cappy A. Farigno, stood before local and national news cameras sunday to sheepishly ask for the nation's help. "The suspect is a male in his late teens. He has a tawny hide and blotchy skin discoloration and distinct markings. He stands about 20 feet high and is....well... oh fuck it..... he's a Giraffe."
"The 2nd Story Killer" as they are dubbing him, is quite likely the renegade Giraffe otherwise known as "LongJohn", who recently escaped from Miami's Metro Petting Zoo one month ago after severing a woman's arm at the elbow and jumping the gate. Since that time, 8 more women have been found dead in their 2nd story apartments, each bearing the same gruesome calling card - one missing arm, detached at the elbow with precision. As to which arm, detective will not say.
A break finally came in the form of a photo taken from a nanny cam of the 4th victim's neighbor, on the 2nd floor adjacent to the crime scene.
The Miami Dade police department is issuing an immediate warning to all local citizens, reporting that the suspect is targeting lanky women with overdried, frizzy blonde hair and twiggy arms. Top FBI profiler and Special Agent, Detective Doolitle, has been brought in to try and shed light on possible motives and provide a psychological profile. Again, police are remaining quiet about the details in order to discourage any copycat killers.
A warning is also given nationwide, as they feel the killer will stretch his limbs farther away from home. This is because, while most serial killers operate in familiar territory, most serial killers aren't also 20 feet tall and covered in distinguishing marks. It is almost certain this suspect will be on the trot towards your open 2nd story bedroom window very, very soon.
Please help Miami Dade police, and Special Agent Detective Doolittle stop this mile high menace from taking another life and limb. The following composite police sketch has been provided.
The best advice for 2nd story dwellers until this spotted villain is caught? Lock your windows, condition your hair, and if at all possible... move upstairs.
That giraffe totally looks like an old boyfriend of mine.
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