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Monday, May 24, 2010

Deer Terrorists

Contributed by Special Guest Reporter Whatshisnuts

Most Americans will read the title of this article and prepare for an open letter to Al Qaeda, but that is only because homophones are tricky for most Americans. This is about awareness. Awareness of an attack that has been going on for decades. The deer are trying to kill us.

The savvy leaders of the deer community have managed to keep their plot under wraps for years, but the puzzle has finally been pieced together. Enraged by the spectacles humans have made of their fallen brothers (trophies hung on walls), the deer have been fighting back. Vulnerable and weak-minded deer have been recruited into a program known as “suicide prancing.” These young impressionable recruits are bred into furry coated killing machines. They believe they are at war with humanity and are trained to sacrifice themselves for the cause. They are programmed to believe that upon completing the mission, their reward will be eternal peace with everlasting piles of corn and apples. That mission is to jump through the windshield of a moving automobile.

Unreliable internet sources claim that successful suicide prancing is responsible for over 150 human deaths each year. That number is sure to grow as training methods improve. While the success of their current plot has been limited, the number of attempts is staggering. One study reported 247,000 deer-vehicle collisions in the year 2000. The amount of human life at stake is astonishing.

The next time you see deer standing next to the side of the road, do not let their beauty distract you from their intention. Pull over and kill them before they attack the driver behind you!

The threat is real! Prepare yourself! Warn your neighbor! Register for hunting season! They want to kill us.

3 comments:

  1. Editor's note: they want to kill us does not condone hunting, except in self-defense, which is pretty much always.

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  2. When I lived in Anchorage, Alaska, several people were killed every year by moose jumping through the roofs of the peoples' cars. Is that still happening? or did Sarah Palin kill all the moose?

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  3. Sandra de Helen! Kamikaze moose in Alaska?! We pretty much tend to ignore anything that happens north of North Dakota, but maybe that's been our mistake.

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