We here at they want to kill us are very political, obviously. So it saddens us to report tonight that Sandra Day O'Connor, former Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States and Ladies Home Journal's 2001 second-most-powerful woman in America, was murdered tonight by her pet turtle, Spanky.
According to Wikipedia, Sandra Day O'Connor was born in El Paso, Texas, to Harry Alfred Day, a rancher, and Ada Mae Wilkey. She grew up on a cattle ranch near Duncan, Arizona. She later wrote a book with her brother, H. Alan Day, Lazy B : Growing up on a Cattle Ranch in the American Southwest, about her childhood experiences on the ranch. For most of her early schooling, O'Connor lived in El Paso with her maternal grandmother, and attended public schools and the Radford School for Girls, a private school. She graduated sixth in her class at Austin High School, in El Paso, in 1946. She is a sister of Alpha Delta Pi sorority. [citation needed] She attended Stanford University, where she received her B.A. in economics in 1950. She continued at the Stanford Law School for her LL.B., serving on the Stanford Law Review; with its presiding Editor in Chief, future Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist who was the class valedictorian, and whom she briefly dated during law school.
And so on. Look, I'm sure Sandra Day O'Connor led an amazing life, what with being the first woman appointed to the Supreme Court and all. Go ahead and Google her. What you will not find is that a) she is dead, and b) she would not rest until she fulfilled her dream to participate in the Amazing Pets Show in Branson, Missouri.
After a lifetime of judging and lawyering and feminist trailblazing, Sandra Day O'Connor quit the razzle-dazzle world of politics to mold and train Spanky the Turtle for The Show. A handsome, if emotionally unbalanced reptile, Spanky showed much promise in his youth. He could swim, climb rocks, eat Tetra Reptomin floating Turtle stick, hibernate, and tap dance. Sandra Day O'Connor was pretty excited about Spanky and brought him to the local Tempe, Arizona, pet talent show for auditions, despite a few strange incidents in home rehearsals. However, under the glare of the fluorescent lights, Spanky choked, retreating into his carapace and refusing to move. He was not invited for call-backs.
Sandra Day O'Connor was nothing if not stalwart (see career history), and returned to training in full force, despite Spanky's reluctance. Spanky showed some improvement, along with increased hissing at night. Sandra Day O'Connor was sure that Spanky was ready for Branson. Sensitive to his fear of flying, Sandra Day O'Connor took Spanky by Greyhound bus, which was a long, awkward trip I'll tell you about some other time. They arrived in Branson dirty but optimistic and headed straight for try-outs. Spanky did one minute of soft shoe and then froze in front of the crowd of toothy Mormons, turned slowly to Sandra Day O'Connor, and bit her in the groin. She did not survive the attack, and neither did Spanky the Turtle, who was crushed under Sandra Day O'Connor's matronly weight.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent to they want to kill us, c/o a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me.
We'll accept food stamps too.
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