Ceci N'est Pas une Saucisse

Recently a very intelligent and pale friend of mine brought a new creature to my attention. I think she was trying to scare me, because just before she told me about it she was hiding in a closet dressed up like a clown yelling "RAAAAR" and waving her pale little arms around, but I try not to let these things get in the way of the savvy, intrepid reporting style you've all come to know and nominate for awards.

The naked mole rat.


I mean, sweet Jesus. Look at it. Apparently it lives in East Africa, underground, has no pain sensation in its skin, barely needs any oxygen to breathe, has a very low metabolism, huddles in creepy hairless clusters with others of its kind, can't get cancer, and is (not surprisingly) the longest-living rodent in the world. Also, look at its teeth.

If this weren't scary enough, the naked mole rat has been hiding in bunches of bananas, stowing away in ship cargo containers headed to the United States. Upon arrival, it quickly leaves the half-gnawed bananas behind, burrowing underground and building an elaborate system of tunnels leading to the most popular local organic hot dog stands, where it disguises itself as an Applegate Farms chicken and apple sausage.



It is thought that the naked mole rat is not acting from political or religious motives, but who really knows.