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那是全部。 好运。
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
他們想要殺害我們
那是全部。 好运。
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Experiments Done “In Good Taste”
A team of scientists from Canada, Norway, and Greenland have joined forces to study the taste buds of humankind’s biggest predator of the north, the polar bear. Having fully established that they want to kill us, they have now set their sights on discovering which among us is the most appetizing.
Do they find us all equally delicious? Are we more or less likely to be eaten if we sweat profusely? Or if we wear Chanel No. 5? Between a Drakar Noir-slathered suit guy and an all-natural, hemp-clad vegan, who will be the preferred meal? Are we all created equal to a polar bear’s taste buds?
These are things that I think we’d all like to know. The first phase of the study utilized a family of Greenland’s polar bears in a blind taste test.
Controlled experiments were performed with one hungry polar bear per every two human individuals, who were either gracious or depressed enough to offer themselves to science. Comparisons of preferences to the following human traits were carefully noted and documented:
-Male vs. Female
-Portly vs. Slender
-Hairy vs. Completely Hairless
-Various combos of races and creeds, too numerous to list
-Sweaty vs. Freshly Scrubbed (mild Dove soap)
-Expensive vs. Cheap Perfume
-Perfume vs. No Perfume
-Tattoo vs. No Tattoo
-Meat Eating vs. Vegan
-Coke Drinker vs. Pepsi Drinker
-Blonde vs. Brunette
-Makeup vs. No Makeup
The study went into further detail in its efforts to try and differentiate between all of the participants. Long story short, in the end all of the effort and detail didn’t really make a difference. After wasting 500 various, painstakingly random human lives, the conclusive evidence was that there is absolutely nothing you can do or be as a human being to be any less delicious to a polar bear. It was revealed that every bit of our anatomy hits a different yummy button on the polar bear's tongue:
So in conclusion, if you see a polar bear, even at a great distance, you will be chased down and devoured like a tasty ham sammich, in spite of your bad weave and imposter perfume. The only bright spot in the findings of this study? Greenland's polar bears won't be hungry for quite a while.
Do they find us all equally delicious? Are we more or less likely to be eaten if we sweat profusely? Or if we wear Chanel No. 5? Between a Drakar Noir-slathered suit guy and an all-natural, hemp-clad vegan, who will be the preferred meal? Are we all created equal to a polar bear’s taste buds?
These are things that I think we’d all like to know. The first phase of the study utilized a family of Greenland’s polar bears in a blind taste test.
Controlled experiments were performed with one hungry polar bear per every two human individuals, who were either gracious or depressed enough to offer themselves to science. Comparisons of preferences to the following human traits were carefully noted and documented:
-Male vs. Female
-Portly vs. Slender
-Hairy vs. Completely Hairless
-Various combos of races and creeds, too numerous to list
-Sweaty vs. Freshly Scrubbed (mild Dove soap)
-Expensive vs. Cheap Perfume
-Perfume vs. No Perfume
-Tattoo vs. No Tattoo
-Meat Eating vs. Vegan
-Coke Drinker vs. Pepsi Drinker
-Blonde vs. Brunette
-Makeup vs. No Makeup
The study went into further detail in its efforts to try and differentiate between all of the participants. Long story short, in the end all of the effort and detail didn’t really make a difference. After wasting 500 various, painstakingly random human lives, the conclusive evidence was that there is absolutely nothing you can do or be as a human being to be any less delicious to a polar bear. It was revealed that every bit of our anatomy hits a different yummy button on the polar bear's tongue:
So in conclusion, if you see a polar bear, even at a great distance, you will be chased down and devoured like a tasty ham sammich, in spite of your bad weave and imposter perfume. The only bright spot in the findings of this study? Greenland's polar bears won't be hungry for quite a while.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Greenland Coalition: An Exposé
Greenland has long been a hot destination for Scandinavian beach-goers seeking a Caribbean-like experience north of the equator.
Its Rigsfællesskabet status in 1979 propelled Greenland from secret Norse outpost to one of the world's poshest vacation locales, rivalling St. Tropez and the Maldives. Tourism in Nuuk and Greenland's other 17 towns(!) has skyrocketed, with local Inuits embracing the financial and sexual permissiveness of their bikini-clad visitors. However, as we all know, along with Speedos come predators, and Greenland is now a world's-largest-island-that-is-not-a-continent in crisis.
Last week was Shark Week, and we taught you a lot about sharks. Here's something we didn't tell you. The Greenland shark is one of the largest species of sharks in the world and lives in the Arctic waters of Greenland and Iceland (home of Björk). The Greenland shark's poisonous flesh has a high urea content, which is really good for curing heel fissures. Also, a long time ago, a man cut his daughter Sedna's fingers while drowning her. Each finger became a sea creature, including the Greenland shark (probably the middle finger). So that's the Greenland shark.
Meanwhile, the polar bear is on the verge of extinction because the planet is going to hell. For a while, it was trying to survive by eating Greenland sharks, which taste nice, kind of like fingers. But the Greenland shark's skin contains trimethylamine oxide and is only safe if boiled. Polar bears don't like to cook, so its Greenland-shark eating days were few.
Do you know what really taste like fingers? Human fingers. Greenland sharks know this, and they have now allied with endangered polar bears to form one of the worst predator coalitions in the history of civilization.
There will be no stopping this unlikely interspecies team of teeth and fur and blubber now that they have joined forces in the Arctic Circle. Reports have already surfaced of tag-team attacks in Qaqortoq and Upernavik, and it's only a matter of time until the killers reach Savissivik and, god forbid, Maniitsoq.
Until further notice, they want to kill us is listing Greenland as a high-danger travel destination and encourages viewers to plan beach vacations in Afghanistan or The Democratic Republic of Congo instead. If you do choose to visit Greenland, Afghanistan, or The Democratic Republic of Congo, please visit our site, as we do not yet have any readers in those locations.
Its Rigsfællesskabet status in 1979 propelled Greenland from secret Norse outpost to one of the world's poshest vacation locales, rivalling St. Tropez and the Maldives. Tourism in Nuuk and Greenland's other 17 towns(!) has skyrocketed, with local Inuits embracing the financial and sexual permissiveness of their bikini-clad visitors. However, as we all know, along with Speedos come predators, and Greenland is now a world's-largest-island-that-is-not-a-continent in crisis.
Last week was Shark Week, and we taught you a lot about sharks. Here's something we didn't tell you. The Greenland shark is one of the largest species of sharks in the world and lives in the Arctic waters of Greenland and Iceland (home of Björk). The Greenland shark's poisonous flesh has a high urea content, which is really good for curing heel fissures. Also, a long time ago, a man cut his daughter Sedna's fingers while drowning her. Each finger became a sea creature, including the Greenland shark (probably the middle finger). So that's the Greenland shark.
Meanwhile, the polar bear is on the verge of extinction because the planet is going to hell. For a while, it was trying to survive by eating Greenland sharks, which taste nice, kind of like fingers. But the Greenland shark's skin contains trimethylamine oxide and is only safe if boiled. Polar bears don't like to cook, so its Greenland-shark eating days were few.
Do you know what really taste like fingers? Human fingers. Greenland sharks know this, and they have now allied with endangered polar bears to form one of the worst predator coalitions in the history of civilization.
There will be no stopping this unlikely interspecies team of teeth and fur and blubber now that they have joined forces in the Arctic Circle. Reports have already surfaced of tag-team attacks in Qaqortoq and Upernavik, and it's only a matter of time until the killers reach Savissivik and, god forbid, Maniitsoq.
Until further notice, they want to kill us is listing Greenland as a high-danger travel destination and encourages viewers to plan beach vacations in Afghanistan or The Democratic Republic of Congo instead. If you do choose to visit Greenland, Afghanistan, or The Democratic Republic of Congo, please visit our site, as we do not yet have any readers in those locations.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Top TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#10)
This is actually a picture of an anglerfish.
Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)
Friday, August 6, 2010
This Just In!
We interrupt Shark Week with this special report:
550-pound Pacific blue marlin attacks boat in Hawaii!
The surprise attack happened during the Hawaiian International Billfish Tournament. No humans were hurt, but we at they want to kill us heard the message loud and clear.
550-pound Pacific blue marlin attacks boat in Hawaii!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#7)
"Mama sharks don't really do a lot, except get prey for their babies."
Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#6)
"You should always bring a safety pin if you go into the ocean."
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#5)
"They will eat your head off, or a jellyfish."
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Shark Week Fun Fact: Can't Touch This
Fact: Sharks are the Teflon of the sea.
You'll never see a single barnacle residing anywhere on a shark. This is mainly because barnacles, like every other living creature on earth, are scared shitless of sharks.
You'll never see a single barnacle residing anywhere on a shark. This is mainly because barnacles, like every other living creature on earth, are scared shitless of sharks.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#4)
Reason #4: They have really bad orthodontia.
Illustrated by a north pacific giant octopus wants to kill me because a big scary shark wants to eat my head off was busy playing Legos or whatever
Shark Week Fun Fact: Bad Rep
While A North Pacific Giant Octopus Is Going To Kill Me counts down the 10 reasons not to &%$! with a shark, I will be peppering you with some fun facts about them.
Fun Fact: Sharks have the worst reputation in the whole animal kingdom and are by far the most misunderstood.
They just wish someone, even just one person, would fully understand the pressures they constantly face from their peers, and understand why they are the way they are. They just want a little compassion please.
Fun Fact: Sharks have the worst reputation in the whole animal kingdom and are by far the most misunderstood.
They just wish someone, even just one person, would fully understand the pressures they constantly face from their peers, and understand why they are the way they are. They just want a little compassion please.
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#3)
Reason #3: They could cause your child to get kicked out of preschool.
Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5) at preschool
Monday, August 2, 2010
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#2)
Reason #2: If you are standing on the beach with your big belly button showing next to some sort of sand pillar, they will sneak up (disguised as a crucifix) and attack you.
Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#1)
It's Shark Week! The Discovery Channel will be feeding you a bunch of cockamamie reasons why you should love sharks and make them your pet. Don't get complacent!
Reason #1: They kill humans.
Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)
Reason #1: They kill humans.
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