The Albert Project: REDUX!: An Outerspace Love Story: About Termites

There once was a mongrel named Laika, who lived in a kennel made of dusty cotton candy. "Bark!" she barked and then she chased her nub of a tail around in circles, until she parked herself still and whined like a baby with down syndrome. She was a broken pup without a bubs to hug and snuggle with.

UNTIL, one day, out of the blue sky, fell a chunky chimp named Albert 1. "He isn't like anything I've ever seen," she thought, "He's not a metal bar OR a bowl."

"But I might be a komodo dragon," replied Albert 1 in an atonal speech pattern, "I haven't checked yet." Albert 1 stood up straight, though still slightly hunched over, like a half melted plastic suitcase. "Nope, I think I'm a monkey. I taste like a monkey."

Laika started laughing inconsolably. She thought Albert 1 was one hell of a primate. She felt like Scarlett O'Hara in a piano bar with Humphrey Bogart, drinking mimosas and being regaled by anecdotes about Ted Dibiase, the million dollar man.

"Why do I have arms? Do monks have arms? Wait, am I a monk or a monkey? By the way, I like your nub."

Laika blushed with confusion, and in an attempt to impress Albert 1, started to run head-first into the kennel walls, giving herself a mild concussion, which Albert 1 found endearing and started clapping along to her rhythmic masochism.

All of a sudden, a massive door opened and a giant figure, clouded in clouds of cloudy smoke appeared ominously. Brandishing a giant net, he scooped up Albert 1 and said, "Time to go, you filthy ape."

"NOOO!" screamed Laika, facetiously, "Take me instead! I have no purpose in life, I'm just a mindless dog with nothing to lose!"

But it was too late, before she could finish that sentence, (which took approximately 3 hours and 16 minutes) Albert 1 had already boarded a loosely boarded wooden spaceship and was instantly disintegrated upon hitting the harsh temperatures of the outer atmosphere. But, Laika was not privy to this information and stayed patiently waiting for Albert 1's return. Days turned into nights and nights turned into six years, and eventually, the cloudy man with the big net returned, this time to retrieve Laika.

"What did you do with Albert 1? Where is he? I need to know!" screamed Laika, in impeccable Arabic.

"Oh, him?" said the cloudy figurine, "Yea, he was not equipped for the job. Totally unprofessional. The second he hit the mesosphere, he immediately blew up into rhesus pieces."

The End