Bears Are the Worst

The thing that you do if you see a bear: Wish you hadn't.

You can't get away from a bear. They can run really fast, and they can climb trees. So...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Muskrat Love

Muskrats are a very amorous species, as has been widely known since the release of this insightful and lyrically profound song in 1976 (see Fig. 1).

Fig. 1

If you should find yourself back to the ground underneath an ardent Ondatra zibethicus, keep these five survival tips in mind:

1. Do not struggle. Muskrats have very sharp teeth and have been known to carry rabies, intestinal bacteria, leptospirosis, and tularemia. 
2. For your sake, try to convince the muskrat to use protection. 
3. See if you can wiggle over to the nearest marsh. Muskrats eat cattails and other aquatic vegetation, and there's a small chance he/she might get distracted by food. However, if you are already inside the muskrat's marsh lodge, skip it. You're screwed. (haha!)
4. Try not to make any noise. Unless you're into it, in which case go for it!
5. If possible, try to capture the incident on video and send it in to they want to kill us, c/o a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me.

Survival Tip #1

Great news. Now, instead of checking this site hourly for life-saving tips, you can subscribe by email. Phew, right? I know!

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Teach Your Children Well

It is never too early to teach your child about the realities of living on our planet. Some of you, in a futile attempt to stave off the inevitable apocalypse caused by global warming, may be showing your little ones how to compost and recycle. Others are modeling empathy and cooperation, qualities that will make for excellent subjects in an autocratic society. A smarter approach would be to give your future human the survival skills it needs to navigate the murky waters ahead. These common-sense tips are a first step in that direction.

Names

DO NOT name your child Teddy or Cat or anything that can be shortened to an animal name, such as Madison.

DO name your child Gloria or Archibald or something similarly stylish and sensible.


Books

DO NOT read your child stories like The Frog Prince, which encourages anthropomorphism and the desire to open-mouth kiss amphibians.

DO read classics like Little Red Riding Hood, which promotes appropriate fear reactions and savvy fashion sense.

Pets

DO NOT put your child at unnecessary risk by having a family dog, cat, hamster, or goldfish.

DO offer your child a fun substitute, like a houseplant or a pet rock!

Weekends

DO NOT take your child to the local petting zoo, where she will be lulled into a false sense of security and exposed to animal germs.

DO bring your child to the bank, drycleaner, or grocery store; or have him help you clean the basement.

Vacations

DO NOT, under any circumstances, take your child to Sea World.

DO consider a trip the famous granite quarries of Vermont, or take a tour of the major sites of America's Industrial Revolution of yesteryear.

The Future

DO NOT encourage your child to be a veterinarian, marine biologist, or animal conservationist.

DO train your child now for a future career in corporate middle management.

Life is filled with choices. We hope these practical examples will help you in your everyday decision-making process.

Deer Terrorists

Contributed by Special Guest Reporter Whatshisnuts

Most Americans will read the title of this article and prepare for an open letter to Al Qaeda, but that is only because homophones are tricky for most Americans. This is about awareness. Awareness of an attack that has been going on for decades. The deer are trying to kill us.

The savvy leaders of the deer community have managed to keep their plot under wraps for years, but the puzzle has finally been pieced together. Enraged by the spectacles humans have made of their fallen brothers (trophies hung on walls), the deer have been fighting back. Vulnerable and weak-minded deer have been recruited into a program known as “suicide prancing.” These young impressionable recruits are bred into furry coated killing machines. They believe they are at war with humanity and are trained to sacrifice themselves for the cause. They are programmed to believe that upon completing the mission, their reward will be eternal peace with everlasting piles of corn and apples. That mission is to jump through the windshield of a moving automobile.

Unreliable internet sources claim that successful suicide prancing is responsible for over 150 human deaths each year. That number is sure to grow as training methods improve. While the success of their current plot has been limited, the number of attempts is staggering. One study reported 247,000 deer-vehicle collisions in the year 2000. The amount of human life at stake is astonishing.

The next time you see deer standing next to the side of the road, do not let their beauty distract you from their intention. Pull over and kill them before they attack the driver behind you!

The threat is real! Prepare yourself! Warn your neighbor! Register for hunting season! They want to kill us.

Deer

They are so lovely with their touching tawny spots and delicate deerish legs, and one day you might be be walking through your neighborhood, past the tan house with the red door, through the meadow that used to house six orange trees, by the large tree that always reminded you of a jellyfish, and you might notice one watching you with its loving brown eyes and be tempted to walk over to it and pick it up in your arms.

Don't do it.

Animal-Ese: An A-Z Guide

At some point, you will probably find yourself in a situation where an animal is trying to speak to you. Assuming that he or she wants to kill you is a safe bet, but sometimes the message will be more nuanced than that. Unless you are Timothy Treadwell and can speak "glarph," the international language of animals, you will have no idea what your opponent is saying. This guide will serve as a helpful tool in such situations and should probably be printed out, folded up, and carried around with you at all times.

aardvark: "yip" – translation: I don't like you.
bat: "squeaka squeaka" – translation: I'm not a vampire bat, because they only live in Central and South America, but I'm going to suck your blood anyway.
caterpillar: " " – translation: depends on inflection, but probably threatening
dolphin: "click click click click squeeeee" – translation: Hooray! The spaceship is finally coming for us!
earwig: "slurp" – translation: I am eating your brains.
frog: "ribbit" – translation: I would like to make out with you.
guinea pig: "eee" – translation: depends on which Guinea guinea pig is from (Guinea, Equatorial Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, New Guinea, Papua New Guinea, Guyana, French Guiana, or Ghana) but probably hungry
hedgehog: "snuffle, snuffle" – translation: What's this? A luscious ankle?
iguanadon: "RAAAR" – translation: Iguanadons are extinct. If you hear one you are in some sort of time warp and should find a safe cave. Sleestaks are probably also close by.
jellyfish: "slosh" – translation: I am going to gently caress your arm and then sting the shit out of you.
koala: "squaaah" – translation: I am going to rip you to shreds, motherfucker! Also, I am not a bear!!!
lamb: "bleheheheheheh" – translation: Hi!
marbled murrelet: "zzzzzhhhhh" – translation: zzzzzhhhhh
narwhal: "rrrrrr" – translation: I intend to impale you with my helical tusk.
octopus: "squishy squish" – translation: Triiiixie.
potoroo: "gah" – translation: I am going to kill you in your sleep.
quokka: "quokka quokka"– translation: Your child is smaller than you.
raven: "Nevermore." – translation: no translation necessary
sloth: "ahhhhhhhhh-eeeeeeeeeee" – translation: unknown
tsetse fly: "bzzz" – translation: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
uakari: "ooh ooh ah ah"– translation: hahahahaha
velvet worm: "vvvvmm" – translation: Touch me, I'm soft.
wolverine: – translation: Go blue.
xeme: "kaw" – translation: It is getting warm, and I am pissed.
yellow-bellied sapsucker: "tap tap tap tap tap" – translation: Your head looks sort of like a tree.
zebra: "kwah kwah kwah" – translation: danger, also: Let's stampede this idiot in our way.

Well, I hope this is helpful!

What Would MacGyver Do?

You may think of yourself as a master of survival, a woodsman and/or seafarer with the strength and reflexes to match any furry or fishy opponent. But sometimes the best tactical course of action is to blend in, and lay low. If camouflage works for the Navy Seals, it can work for you too.

So, if left in a pinch, here are a few disguises you can quickly pull together, MacGyver-style, using your camping gear and whatever else is in reach.






Of course you'll have to beware of a whole new batch of predators once in disguise. But at least you'll be part of the critter community of your choosing, so you'll have fewer enemies. Because as we all know, they ALL want to kill us.

Cougars and Bears: WTF to Do. The Confusion Stops Here.

I’ve recently been asked to clear up a very confusing topic for both of our readers. The topic is: What on earth do you do if you encounter a cougar or a bear?

Take a poll yourself and I’m sure you’ll find the answers are widely varied. Act big, get small, retreat, create motion, stay still, lie down, get low, climb something, be loud, be quiet…

It seems nobody knows WTF to do. Today, here and now, we are going to untangle this mess of teeth and claws, and get into the minds of these vicious beasts.

A cougar, often referred to as the mountain lion, is by far the simpler of the two. It’s pretty clear what to do in the case of an encounter, and the warning signs are very clear in their instruction.

EXHIBIT A:



See – no mystery here. Back away slowly. Be Large and Shout. And if all else fails, offer the wildcat your least favorite child. Easy Peasy.

Cats of all types and sizes are pure unfiltered evil. Everyone knows that. People just don’t know what to do when they meet a super-sized cat. Imagine the same fiendish feline you have at home, and add 170-200 lbs. That’s a big heap of evil…

Bears, however, are apparently a little more complex, and have a wider range of emotional states and disturbances. They actually share some of the mental disorders that have plagued man throughout time, without the benefits of modern man’s medicine. They can suffer from depression, anxiety, and ADHD, just like we do. They just happen to weigh up to 800 lbs. and possess razor sharp teeth and claws, the speed of a moving vehicle, and the temperament of a toddler. This proves to be a deadly combination.

Just looking at Exhibit B shows how confusing this can be for your average camper.

EXHIBIT B:



According to my online research, when faced with a bear you would need to penetrate his mind first, and then consult your handbook to fully understand how to react.

Cat's Eye

Recently, one of our readers mentioned to me (off the record, which was smart) that her cat was giving her the evil eye. She asked for help, and I'll admit it, I choked. "Rachael," if you're still alive, here's what to do when your cat tries to kill you.

"Your first step is to never hike alone. Always go in groups, and always make noise when in areas that house cats frequent and live. The noise you make will generally scare the house cat away and halt any confrontation.

If you are on a day hike with children, be sure to keep the children close to you. House cats are attracted to children like many other animals you find in the wild. One theory on this is their size and the fact the animal can take the child and easily carry it away like they do with small prey. Never, when hiking with your children, let them wander away or stray off the trail unnoticed.

Never, out of curiosity, approach a house cat, no matter how tame and friendly they may seem. Always give plenty of space between you and the house cat so they can escape and get away. House cats usually do not like confrontation so always, if you do happen to have contact, leave a wide berth between you and the house cat for its escape.

Never run away from a house cat. Running stimulates a house cat's natural instinct to chase. Be sure to always make contact with the house cat and stand up as tall as possible. By making yourself look larger, it intimidates the house cat and often makes them turn and run. Open your jacket and flap it about, yell, throw stones, but make sure you react so that the house cat knows that you are the one in control, not him (or her). If there are children present, pick them up immediately and never turn your back on a house cat or squat down while retrieving the child.

Never squat or bend over at anytime. Research has shown that when a human bends over, that person looks like four-legged prey to a house cat of any type. Avoid stooping, leaning over, squatting, or bending at the waist while in house cat territory.

If you are attacked, fight back. Never succumb or roll into a ball. Hit as hard as possible especially to the head area. If you can retrieve a stick or large rock, use it as a weapon. If face to face with the house cat, go for the eyes by clawing or throwing sand in the face of the house cat. House cats will usually strike the back of the head and especially the neck, so be vigiliant to protect these areas and remain standing or face to face with the animal once it is attacking.

If you are attacked from the back, try to reposition yourself to meet the house cat face to face. House cats usually weigh between one hundred to one hundred and fifty pounds, so if at all possible, get the house cat off your back and throw it over and forward. This manuever, if you can complete it, will also sometimes stun the house cat and give you a chance to grab a weapon and defend yourself face to face with the animal.

Under no circumstances fall to the ground and roll into a fetal position. If you do this your chances of survival are limited because once you are down, the house cat sees you as nothing but small prey. The house cat will also have the advantage of getting ahold of you and successfully win the battle.

If indeed you are attacked by an animal in the wild, report this attack to Fish and Game or the Ranger in the area as soon as possible.

Remember house cats are unpredictable, but they still usually avoid confrontations. Attacks are on the upswing but still rare. The chances that you will even have an encounter with a house cat in the wilderness is rare, but be prepared and know what to do if the situation ever arises. It is always better to be safe and prepared than sorry."