狗狗穿丝袜 (NSFW)

China, world's most populous nation and fastest-growing economy, is poised to become the planet's next superpower. (The U.S. had a pretty good run of it, or whatever.) As such, the animals of China are in a unique position to make their global move.

The first play for dominion has been made by the dogs of China in this display of 狗狗穿丝袜 or "gou gou chuan siwa" or "dogs wearing pantyhose" or "Chinese dogs blatantly trying to seduce us before they kill us and eat us and rule the planet."

Warning: it's hot, but do not be fooled.

Thanks to Sharp Daily for breaking this story.

...

Charlie and the Seal!

Here is a fun video of Irish journalist Charlie Bird frolicking with baby elephant seals!

Sadly, they ate him shortly after this scene.

They Want to Eat Our Pastries

In a new, clever tactic in the war against humans, this opossum broke into a bakery, gnawed through a cardboard box, ate ten or twelve delicious pastries, and then lay motionless as if it were too full to move. And then it ate the person who took this photo.

Bears Are the Worst

The thing that you do if you see a bear: Wish you hadn't.

You can't get away from a bear. They can run really fast, and they can climb trees. So...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Hot Anti-Dystopian Koala-on-Goat Action

We here at they want to kill us are very creative and clever and forward-thinking. Which is why, one day after the SOPA/PIPA blackout (which we did participate in, did you notice?), we've created this little animation* to share our views on inter-species sex and freedom of expression.



By the way, when we here at they want to kill us said the thing in our super clever animation* about not thinking it would be a good idea to catch a lion that escaped a zoo by blasting a bunch of kittens with a flamethrower, we were kidding. That actually is how to catch a lion.

* If you've already seen this animation on that one site that's way more successful than ours, The Oatmeal, well, that guy might have created it earlier, but only because it was our idea that we created even earlier in our minds. Also, check out this great article about punching dolphins, our personal favorite idea we had before someone else thought of it.

They Want to Snuggle on Our Sofas

In coastal New Zealand, a baby fur seal ("Jimmy"), shuffled out of the ocean, across a busy street, into a residential area, down a driveway, under a gate, through a cat door, up a flight of stairs, into a kitchen, past a cat and a dog, then up onto this couch, where he took a nap.





Anne Swoffer, whose house Jimmy visited, could not be reached for comment because she died of cuteness.

Pets

A Roguish Koala Is Going to Murder Me shared this with me today, and as a parent of an almost-seven-year-old, I have nothing witty to say about it. Except that I now know what to get my almost-seven-year-old for her birthday.

Muskrat Love

Muskrats are a very amorous species, as has been widely known since the release of this insightful and lyrically profound song in 1976 (see Fig. 1).

Fig. 1

If you should find yourself back to the ground underneath an ardent Ondatra zibethicus, keep these five survival tips in mind:

1. Do not struggle. Muskrats have very sharp teeth and have been known to carry rabies, intestinal bacteria, leptospirosis, and tularemia. 
2. For your sake, try to convince the muskrat to use protection. 
3. See if you can wiggle over to the nearest marsh. Muskrats eat cattails and other aquatic vegetation, and there's a small chance he/she might get distracted by food. However, if you are already inside the muskrat's marsh lodge, skip it. You're screwed. (haha!)
4. Try not to make any noise. Unless you're into it, in which case go for it!
5. If possible, try to capture the incident on video and send it in to they want to kill us, c/o a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me.

Some Sort of List or Something

This is my dog, Buckley. He's great!

This morning I found a list under his bed.
What do you think it means?

Oh, Deer

Land mammals and marine mammals have historically kept their collaborations secret, holding any clandestine strategy meetings only under cover of night. However, in a frightening and surprisingly ballsy development yesterday, a Connecticut deer hopped into an aquarium seal tank in the middle of the day.

According to Norwalk Aquarium representative Dave Sigworth, a crowd of people surrounded the indoor/outdoor seal tank at around 1:45 p.m. for a public feeding when the deer made its move. "The deer swam across the river and came up to our courtyard. Much to its surprise, and the surprise of everyone around, it jumped right over the wall into the seal exhibit." The staff was able to sequester the seals in the indoor portion of the aquarium, and while the deer never actually made physical contact, it is not clear if it was able to communicate its message nonverbally before it was ushered back out into the suburbs or wherever it lives.

"This is unprecedented and should not be taken lightly," says Egbert Fitzsimmons, mammal conspiracy expert. "For a land mammal to approach a marine mammal in the light of day in front of live onlookers, there can only be two explanations: Something major is about to happen, or they've just lost all sense of decorum. Either way, we are totally screwed."

For more information about this incident, please feel free to look it up.

Kitten Thinks of Nothing but Murder All Day

You've probably been wondering how to spread the word about they want to kill us. Well, sending our link to all your friends and family would be the best way, but this t-shirt from The Onion isn't a bad second choice.

Petite Lap Giraffes

"It all started when Great Grandfather Nicolas escaped circus with best friend Alex, the giraffe. The rest they say is history. For the next century our family have made business of Petite Lap Giraffe breeding here in Russia. We welcome you to visit Sokoblovsky Farms, just 80 kilometers outside Krasnodar."

The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

Educational and very well narrated.

How to Tell If You've Been Eaten by a Wolf

There's been a lot of talk lately about wolves, specifically by people who think they've been eaten by one. As someone who was recently killed and devoured by a wolf, I have developed this useful flowchart to help you figure out if this has happened to you.

If you have been eaten by a wolf, your prospects are probably pretty grim, but we would really like to hear your story. Thanks!

Why I Will Never Go to Newfoundland

Attack of the Sugar Gliders

"There was a little sugar squirrel that jumped into the garbage can. And its sweet face loved it. It jumped into a cake, and it took all the food in this house. Be careful around sugar gliders. The end."

No, really... I want to kill you

First They Will Kill the Ones on Life Support; Then They Will Kill the Rest of Us: A Pre-Enactment

Found in my living room. Just because he was once the Dark Lord of the Empire doesn't make this any less ominous for the rest of us.

2nd Story Nightmare

A series of recent serial killings have Miami Dade police scrambling for answers high and... higher.
While very few details of the murders are being given to the public, detectives on the case have revealed that they do in fact have a suspect who is currently at large and wanted for questioning. They are staging a nation-wide manhunt and are asking you, John Q Public, for help in identifying and reporting this alleged psychopathic nut bar.

Miami Dade Police Chief, Cappy A. Farigno, stood before local and national news cameras sunday to sheepishly ask for the nation's help. "The suspect is a male in his late teens. He has a tawny hide and blotchy skin discoloration and distinct markings. He stands about 20 feet high and is....well... oh fuck it..... he's a Giraffe."

"The 2nd Story Killer" as they are dubbing him, is quite likely the renegade Giraffe otherwise known as "LongJohn", who recently escaped from Miami's Metro Petting Zoo one month ago after severing a woman's arm at the elbow and jumping the gate. Since that time, 8 more women have been found dead in their 2nd story apartments, each bearing the same gruesome calling card - one missing arm, detached at the elbow with precision. As to which arm, detective will not say.

A break finally came in the form of a photo taken from a nanny cam of the 4th victim's neighbor, on the 2nd floor adjacent to the crime scene.

The Miami Dade police department is issuing an immediate warning to all local citizens, reporting that the suspect is targeting lanky women with overdried, frizzy blonde hair and twiggy arms. Top FBI profiler and Special Agent, Detective Doolitle, has been brought in to try and shed light on possible motives and provide a psychological profile. Again, police are remaining quiet about the details in order to discourage any copycat killers.

A warning is also given nationwide, as they feel the killer will stretch his limbs farther away from home. This is because, while most serial killers operate in familiar territory, most serial killers aren't also 20 feet tall and covered in distinguishing marks. It is almost certain this suspect will be on the trot towards your open 2nd story bedroom window very, very soon.

Please help Miami Dade police, and Special Agent Detective Doolittle stop this mile high menace from taking another life and limb. The following composite police sketch has been provided.

The best advice for 2nd story dwellers until this spotted villain is caught? Lock your windows, condition your hair, and if at all possible... move upstairs.