狗狗穿丝袜 (NSFW)

China, world's most populous nation and fastest-growing economy, is poised to become the planet's next superpower. (The U.S. had a pretty good run of it, or whatever.) As such, the animals of China are in a unique position to make their global move.

The first play for dominion has been made by the dogs of China in this display of 狗狗穿丝袜 or "gou gou chuan siwa" or "dogs wearing pantyhose" or "Chinese dogs blatantly trying to seduce us before they kill us and eat us and rule the planet."

Warning: it's hot, but do not be fooled.

Thanks to Sharp Daily for breaking this story.

Rooster Feathers: An Exposé

You've seen them around your local mall or 7-11: adolescent girls and their moms with something stripey hanging from their heads sort of looking like hair but weirder and crimpier. I can't remember when I found out they were rooster feathers, but I remember that the day I went to a neighborhood birthday party and saw a five-year-old and her septegenarian grandmother sporting rooster-feather extensions, I knew this trend had hit it big, at least on my cul-de-sac.

You can buy a four-pack of natural or artifically hued feathers for about $12.99 and superglue them to your own hair, or you can go to a salon and pay $100 or whatever for them to put them in with little clippies. Either way, you'll end up with stripey crimpy things hanging from your head.

But listen. There are two problems with the rooster-feather hair extensions, besides any potential aesthetic ones.

1. Fly fishermen are getting pissed off because their daughters and their daughters' babysitters are using all their rooster feathers.

2. Roosters are running out of feathers.

This is a problem. I mean, on the one hand, you just can't thwart a teenage girl's right to follow trends blindly until the next one rolls along. On the other hand, I saw "A River Runs Through It," and fly-fishing looks great, especially when Brad Pitt circa "A River Runs Through It" is doing it. Also, we like eggs, and don't you need roosters for eggs?

Well, we at they want to kill us have spent a lot of time thinking about this situation and have come up with a pretty good solution: rooster-feather-hair-extension fly-fishing.

Up next: Have your eye on that sassy, sparkly owl necklace at Forever 21 but just can't meet the price? New do-it-yourself ideas right at home!

Happy Labor Day: Watch Your Back

Today is Labor Day. You know who never takes a vacation? The Panamanian Golden Frog.

Here's what you need to know if a Panamanian Golden Frog shows up at your barbeque:

1. It uses its little hands to wave at other Panamanian Golden Frogs. Sometimes these waves are friendly, but sometimes it means they want to kill us. I don't know the difference.
2. It's not really a frog. It's a toad.
3. For @#$%'s sake, don't lick it!
4. Wearing white is now considered ok after Labor Day, but probably not to a funeral.

Kitten Thinks of Nothing but Murder All Day

You've probably been wondering how to spread the word about they want to kill us. Well, sending our link to all your friends and family would be the best way, but this t-shirt from The Onion isn't a bad second choice.

Murder by Colors

Tragedy turns into inspiration as eight models are slain in cold blood at the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in Berlin earlier this month.

A shipment of luxurious textiles carried dozens of stowaway chameleons from their home of Madagascar, to unleash a rainbow of terror at the Balenciaga show. Confused and hungry from the long journey, these go-with-anything lizards had mistaken several Eastern European models for their natural source of food, the praying mantis.



Upon identifying this food source they went about hiding themselves in plain view until the time was right to strike.




Uga Visczevslovich was the first attacked after an ill-fated decision to strike this pose for the Berlin media. Shortly afterwards she was overtaken by a throng of lizards in a dark corner backstage and her bones were picked clean. Upon finding her, photographers discovered she was dead only after four rolls of film, when they noticed she wasn’t moving quite as much as usual.



Seven more Balenciaga models were picked off one by one as they left the runway.

“We didn’t zink anyzing about ziss” said hairdresser Mita Zeus, on seeing seven models lying at sharp angles strewn unconscious about the floor. “Das ees und regular sing to zee at Fashion Week Berliner Yes? But zey still look fabulous und chic.”

But as always, in fashion, minor setbacks spring forth new ideas. Chameleons are renowned for their gift at blending in to any environment, which has quickly made them a sensation of the Fashion world. Adaptability and reinvention are the cornerstones of this multi-billion dollar industry, and the chameleon has what it takes.






Whether in the jungle, on safari, or sunbathing at Clooney’s villa on Lake Como, the chameleon is the perfect accessory and will always find a way to complement your ensemble. Why have a silk scarf in every color when you can purchase one well- trained chameleon at the paltry price of €150,000

As for the murder and mayhem? Forgiven! As Lagerfeld says, while fanning the chameleon clinging to his lapel, “We can forgive zis faux pas of murdering a few unnecessary girls. What zey have given us as ze perfect accessory is zo much more.”

Hummingbirds: Giant Urban Killers

Hummingbirds are the smallest bird in the world and have no sense of smell. They can rotate their wings in a full circle and are the only bird that can fly backward, forward, up, down, sideways, and in hover mode. Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 200 times per second and dive 60 miles an hour during courtship. I've seen this. They do it out my back window, showing off for the fancy lady hummingbirds. It's amazing.

But also amazing is a phenomenon taking place in urban centers around the world: GIGANTIC HUMMINGBIRDS ARE ATTACKING HUMANS!




The scene above is in Lyon, France, where the oversized hummingbirds were first witnessed. Fortunately, the Frenchies featured in this photo were able to dart stylishly into the nearest café and take solace in Gauloises cigarettes, adorable little demitasses of espresso, and Johnny Hallyday tunes with no harm done.

The next incident took place in Köln, Germany, when a pair of young Aryan backpackers were dive-bombed while coolly and fastidiously appraising an old-timey war statue.




Unfortunately, Albrecht Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung and Margit Verantwortungszuständigkeiten were unavailable for comment, as they were killed. Margit's mother, Hildegarde, when asked about the incident, responded, "Ein beiläufiger Stroll durch das verrückte Asyl zeigt, dass Glaube nichts prüft."

Things were quiet for a few weeks until another, seemingly related event occurred in Yinchuan, China.




Young Nianzu was out for a stroll with his Ye Ye when this gigantic hummingbird, looking suspiciously similar to the avian predator in Germany, swooped down and grabbed little Nianzu in its weak feet, which are usually used just for perching. It is unknown what happened next as we do not speak Japanese or whatever.

The most recent and, let's hope, final attack hit a little closer to home last summer.



The winged sociopath struck again, this time on a warm and unnaturally hued sunny day in New York City. The hummingbird dive-bombed Washington Square, possibly in an attempt to impress a beautiful young Manhattanite wearing a confusingly bright purple silk shell from Loehmann's, and hit its head on the central fountain. After some brief twitching, it flopped to its side, released its bladder, and died. Its last words were "Rosebud."