狗狗穿丝袜 (NSFW)

China, world's most populous nation and fastest-growing economy, is poised to become the planet's next superpower. (The U.S. had a pretty good run of it, or whatever.) As such, the animals of China are in a unique position to make their global move.

The first play for dominion has been made by the dogs of China in this display of 狗狗穿丝袜 or "gou gou chuan siwa" or "dogs wearing pantyhose" or "Chinese dogs blatantly trying to seduce us before they kill us and eat us and rule the planet."

Warning: it's hot, but do not be fooled.

Thanks to Sharp Daily for breaking this story.

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Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

They Want to Eat Our Pastries

In a new, clever tactic in the war against humans, this opossum broke into a bakery, gnawed through a cardboard box, ate ten or twelve delicious pastries, and then lay motionless as if it were too full to move. And then it ate the person who took this photo.

Oh, Deer

Land mammals and marine mammals have historically kept their collaborations secret, holding any clandestine strategy meetings only under cover of night. However, in a frightening and surprisingly ballsy development yesterday, a Connecticut deer hopped into an aquarium seal tank in the middle of the day.

According to Norwalk Aquarium representative Dave Sigworth, a crowd of people surrounded the indoor/outdoor seal tank at around 1:45 p.m. for a public feeding when the deer made its move. "The deer swam across the river and came up to our courtyard. Much to its surprise, and the surprise of everyone around, it jumped right over the wall into the seal exhibit." The staff was able to sequester the seals in the indoor portion of the aquarium, and while the deer never actually made physical contact, it is not clear if it was able to communicate its message nonverbally before it was ushered back out into the suburbs or wherever it lives.

"This is unprecedented and should not be taken lightly," says Egbert Fitzsimmons, mammal conspiracy expert. "For a land mammal to approach a marine mammal in the light of day in front of live onlookers, there can only be two explanations: Something major is about to happen, or they've just lost all sense of decorum. Either way, we are totally screwed."

For more information about this incident, please feel free to look it up.

They still want to kill us even after they die.

In the wake of The Whale Incident, a single jellyfish in New Hampshire managed to brutally injure 150 innocent victims from the afterlife.

We are now on orange alert.

Massive jellyfish stings 150 beachgoers.

This Just In!

40 Ton Kamikaze Whale attacks South African couple on yacht!







Need I say more?

Think of the Children

Recently it was pointed out to me that humans are animals too. I looked it up, and it is true.

Yes, humans are animals, and animals want to kill us. Especially the children, so that they can replace us. Special secret studies have shown that people who don't have kids live longer and also get to do more things that they want to do. Still, even they will one day be replaced by a younger and cuter human.

People have also been asking me (offline, where it's safer) what to do about certain animals wanting to kill them. I really don't know. I wish someone would make the blog "they want to kill us and I know how to save you" because that would be much more helpful than this one. However, whenever possible, I will look stuff up for you!

p.s. I will post soon about raccoons, which as you know, are currently our biggest threat.

Haiku

seven silvery

seals encircling: "let's make

it look like an AARRT!"

Something Is Going On

Two continents, three species, three seemingly unrelated events.

Exhibit A: The Whale

This whale killed this trainer in Florida.

Exhibit B: The Ants

These ants (or their relatives) chewed their way out of their exhibit in San Francisco.

Exhibit C: The Sharks

This giant, scary aquarium cracked and sprang a leak in Dubai.

Also, Viktoria Rebensburg won the gold medal in women's giant slalom alpine skiing.