Hot Anti-Dystopian Koala-on-Goat Action

We here at they want to kill us are very creative and clever and forward-thinking. Which is why, one day after the SOPA/PIPA blackout (which we did participate in, did you notice?), we've created this little animation* to share our views on inter-species sex and freedom of expression.



By the way, when we here at they want to kill us said the thing in our super clever animation* about not thinking it would be a good idea to catch a lion that escaped a zoo by blasting a bunch of kittens with a flamethrower, we were kidding. That actually is how to catch a lion.

* If you've already seen this animation on that one site that's way more successful than ours, The Oatmeal, well, that guy might have created it earlier, but only because it was our idea that we created even earlier in our minds. Also, check out this great article about punching dolphins, our personal favorite idea we had before someone else thought of it.

Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals

"Fuck you, Mister Bunny! Eat shit, Mister Bear!"

Pets

A Roguish Koala Is Going to Murder Me shared this with me today, and as a parent of an almost-seven-year-old, I have nothing witty to say about it. Except that I now know what to get my almost-seven-year-old for her birthday.

Altruism

If we can touch just one person inappropriately, it's all worth it.

Choose Your Own Ending: A Poll

WHOM WOULD YOU RATHER MATE WITH?*

*All things being equal and with the understanding that your partner would probably try to kill you

The Albert Project: REDUX!: An Outerspace Love Story: About Termites

There once was a mongrel named Laika, who lived in a kennel made of dusty cotton candy. "Bark!" she barked and then she chased her nub of a tail around in circles, until she parked herself still and whined like a baby with down syndrome. She was a broken pup without a bubs to hug and snuggle with.

UNTIL, one day, out of the blue sky, fell a chunky chimp named Albert 1. "He isn't like anything I've ever seen," she thought, "He's not a metal bar OR a bowl."

"But I might be a komodo dragon," replied Albert 1 in an atonal speech pattern, "I haven't checked yet." Albert 1 stood up straight, though still slightly hunched over, like a half melted plastic suitcase. "Nope, I think I'm a monkey. I taste like a monkey."

Laika started laughing inconsolably. She thought Albert 1 was one hell of a primate. She felt like Scarlett O'Hara in a piano bar with Humphrey Bogart, drinking mimosas and being regaled by anecdotes about Ted Dibiase, the million dollar man.

"Why do I have arms? Do monks have arms? Wait, am I a monk or a monkey? By the way, I like your nub."

Laika blushed with confusion, and in an attempt to impress Albert 1, started to run head-first into the kennel walls, giving herself a mild concussion, which Albert 1 found endearing and started clapping along to her rhythmic masochism.

All of a sudden, a massive door opened and a giant figure, clouded in clouds of cloudy smoke appeared ominously. Brandishing a giant net, he scooped up Albert 1 and said, "Time to go, you filthy ape."

"NOOO!" screamed Laika, facetiously, "Take me instead! I have no purpose in life, I'm just a mindless dog with nothing to lose!"

But it was too late, before she could finish that sentence, (which took approximately 3 hours and 16 minutes) Albert 1 had already boarded a loosely boarded wooden spaceship and was instantly disintegrated upon hitting the harsh temperatures of the outer atmosphere. But, Laika was not privy to this information and stayed patiently waiting for Albert 1's return. Days turned into nights and nights turned into six years, and eventually, the cloudy man with the big net returned, this time to retrieve Laika.

"What did you do with Albert 1? Where is he? I need to know!" screamed Laika, in impeccable Arabic.

"Oh, him?" said the cloudy figurine, "Yea, he was not equipped for the job. Totally unprofessional. The second he hit the mesosphere, he immediately blew up into rhesus pieces."

The End

Raccoons

This is a personal entry for me. This is about raccoons.

Growing up in rural Michigan, I didn't have much experience with fancy big-city animals like all you sophisticates out there in the suburbs. Sure, there was the occasional garter snake trying to suffocate me in my sandbox or the yearly deer revolt that usually took place during the county fair, when we were all drunk on cotton candy and 4H ribbons. Sometimes a box turtle would get confused during its land hibernation and drag a young local back into the lake for breeding. And there were the mice. My god, the mice: in the walls, in the kitchen, in my little sister's Barbie house, in the toe of my mother's 1970s brown naugahyde boot. But these were normal country occurrences, and we learned to deal with them.

Later, when I made my way out into the world, I realized that the animals of my youth were child's play. Later, I found out about raccoons.

It's Not Worth It

I can't get too far into this blog without saying a few words about bestiality. Listen, we've all thought about having sex with an animal. They're super sexy. But never forget that they want to kill us. You may find that kind of hot if you're one of those people who's into things like scalding candle wax dripping slowly between the lacy edges of your ripped bodice or black leather tie-straps pressing into your vulnerable yet acquiescent flesh while masked, outrageously attractive but intelligent and witty onlookers gasp in excitement. Sure, I get it. But there is no safe word with a wild animal.

Look at that guy in Seattle, the one who had sex with the horse. That guy died. There was a whole movie about it. I saw it, and it is probably partially to blame for this blog. Because that guy really loved that horse. Not just a crush, he LOVE loved it. If he could have, I think he would have married it and bought a two-story Colonial in suburban Pennsylvania with it, decorated in contemporary Pottery Barn or, depending on their tastes, IKEA furnishings. And so he went to dark secret meetings in the country with other people who also LOVE loved horses, and one night, he went out back and stripped naked and let the horse know how he felt and died.

In summary, I do not recommend bestiality unless you are larger and stronger than your partner.