Parasitic Tongue Louse (NSFW or any other place)

Look, I'm at work, in a beige office cubicle, and I don't have much time to research this, but this "Cymothoa exigua" (aka "tongue-eating louse") came to my attention via one of our few but incredibly dedicated and intelligent (clever, exceptionally discerning) readers.

It's a tongue parasite! A vampire! It attaches itself to your (if you're a fish) tongue and then sucks all the blood out till your tongue atrophies and then it acts like it's your prosthetic tongue.

DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTHS OPEN! 

Please click here or here for more information. Thank you, intrepid reader, and thank you "WTF Evolution?"

Gross!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

Giant Scary Albino Pancake (fish)

This creature was recently discovered off the coast of Bangladesh. It is called the Giant Scary Albino Pancake (fish). It eats krill and cameras. If you see one, SWIM AWAY!

Charlie and the Seal!

Here is a fun video of Irish journalist Charlie Bird frolicking with baby elephant seals!

Sadly, they ate him shortly after this scene.

Oh, Deer

Land mammals and marine mammals have historically kept their collaborations secret, holding any clandestine strategy meetings only under cover of night. However, in a frightening and surprisingly ballsy development yesterday, a Connecticut deer hopped into an aquarium seal tank in the middle of the day.

According to Norwalk Aquarium representative Dave Sigworth, a crowd of people surrounded the indoor/outdoor seal tank at around 1:45 p.m. for a public feeding when the deer made its move. "The deer swam across the river and came up to our courtyard. Much to its surprise, and the surprise of everyone around, it jumped right over the wall into the seal exhibit." The staff was able to sequester the seals in the indoor portion of the aquarium, and while the deer never actually made physical contact, it is not clear if it was able to communicate its message nonverbally before it was ushered back out into the suburbs or wherever it lives.

"This is unprecedented and should not be taken lightly," says Egbert Fitzsimmons, mammal conspiracy expert. "For a land mammal to approach a marine mammal in the light of day in front of live onlookers, there can only be two explanations: Something major is about to happen, or they've just lost all sense of decorum. Either way, we are totally screwed."

For more information about this incident, please feel free to look it up.

Bad Ideas: Number 1

Remember that orca that killed its captor trainer back on the first day we started our blog? Sea World is bringing it back! I know, right? This stuff writes itself!

huh!

Blob Sculpins

This is a blob sculpin. Specifically, these are three dead blob sculpins.

When alive, they live deep down on the dark, scary sea floor beneath the treacherous waters of the North Pacific Ocean. Not much is known about blob sculpins by they want to kill us, other than they are pale and reclusive and the males guard nests of little pink eggs. Also, if you see one alive, you will never speak again.

Bad News

Well, we did not see this coming. Scientists have discovered a new species of squid lurking in the depths of the Indian Ocean. It floats about beguilingly, lighting up like a fancy squid-shaped glow stick, then squirting water from its mantle through its siphon, propelling itself straight forward at speeds up to 20 mph to do horrible, unspeakable chiroteuthid things to you.

specimen of new scary giant squid, probably one of its ears

This is a sad day here at they want to kill us, especially for our VP of research, whose neighbor recently died. We will try to do a better job in the future, but we can't make any promises.

The Greenland Coalition: An Exposé

Greenland has long been a hot destination for Scandinavian beach-goers seeking a Caribbean-like experience north of the equator.

Its Rigsfællesskabet status in 1979 propelled Greenland from secret Norse outpost to one of the world's poshest vacation locales, rivalling St. Tropez and the Maldives. Tourism in Nuuk and Greenland's other 17 towns(!) has skyrocketed, with local Inuits embracing the financial and sexual permissiveness of their bikini-clad visitors. However, as we all know, along with Speedos come predators, and Greenland is now a world's-largest-island-that-is-not-a-continent in crisis.

Last week was Shark Week, and we taught you a lot about sharks. Here's something we didn't tell you. The Greenland shark is one of the largest species of sharks in the world and lives in the Arctic waters of Greenland and Iceland (home of Björk). The Greenland shark's poisonous flesh has a high urea content, which is really good for curing heel fissures. Also, a long time ago, a man cut his daughter Sedna's fingers while drowning her. Each finger became a sea creature, including the Greenland shark (probably the middle finger). So that's the Greenland shark.

Meanwhile, the polar bear is on the verge of extinction because the planet is going to hell. For a while, it was trying to survive by eating Greenland sharks, which taste nice, kind of like fingers. But the Greenland shark's skin contains trimethylamine oxide and is only safe if boiled. Polar bears don't like to cook, so its Greenland-shark eating days were few.

Do you know what really taste like fingers? Human fingers. Greenland sharks know this, and they have now allied with endangered polar bears to form one of the worst predator coalitions in the history of civilization.

There will be no stopping this unlikely interspecies team of teeth and fur and blubber now that they have joined forces in the Arctic Circle. Reports have already surfaced of tag-team attacks in Qaqortoq and Upernavik, and it's only a matter of time until the killers reach Savissivik and, god forbid, Maniitsoq.

Until further notice, they want to kill us is listing Greenland as a high-danger travel destination and encourages viewers to plan beach vacations in Afghanistan or The Democratic Republic of Congo instead. If you do choose to visit Greenland, Afghanistan, or The Democratic Republic of Congo, please visit our site, as we do not yet have any readers in those locations.

Top TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#10)

This is actually a picture of an anglerfish.

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)

Top TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#9)

Potsie

Top TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#8)

They have syphilis.

(Believe me.)

Illustrated by a north pacific giant octopus is going to kill me

This Just In!

We interrupt Shark Week with this special report:
550-pound Pacific blue marlin attacks boat in Hawaii!

The surprise attack happened during the Hawaiian International Billfish Tournament. No humans were hurt, but we at they want to kill us heard the message loud and clear.

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#7)

"Mama sharks don't really do a lot, except get prey for their babies."

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#6)

"You should always bring a safety pin if you go into the ocean."

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#5)

"They will eat your head off, or a jellyfish."

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)

Shark Week Fun Fact: Can't Touch This

Fact: Sharks are the Teflon of the sea.

You'll never see a single barnacle residing anywhere on a shark. This is mainly because barnacles, like every other living creature on earth, are scared shitless of sharks.

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#4)

Reason #4: They have really bad orthodontia.

Illustrated by a north pacific giant octopus wants to kill me because a big scary shark wants to eat my head off was busy playing Legos or whatever

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#2)

Reason #2: If you are standing on the beach with your big belly button showing next to some sort of sand pillar, they will sneak up (disguised as a crucifix) and attack you.

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO @#$% WITH SHARKS (#1)

It's Shark Week! The Discovery Channel will be feeding you a bunch of cockamamie reasons why you should love sharks and make them your pet. Don't get complacent!

Reason #1: They kill humans.

Illustrated by a big scary shark wants to eat my head off (age 5)