Hummingbirds: Giant Urban Killers

Hummingbirds are the smallest bird in the world and have no sense of smell. They can rotate their wings in a full circle and are the only bird that can fly backward, forward, up, down, sideways, and in hover mode. Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 200 times per second and dive 60 miles an hour during courtship. I've seen this. They do it out my back window, showing off for the fancy lady hummingbirds. It's amazing.

But also amazing is a phenomenon taking place in urban centers around the world: GIGANTIC HUMMINGBIRDS ARE ATTACKING HUMANS!




The scene above is in Lyon, France, where the oversized hummingbirds were first witnessed. Fortunately, the Frenchies featured in this photo were able to dart stylishly into the nearest café and take solace in Gauloises cigarettes, adorable little demitasses of espresso, and Johnny Hallyday tunes with no harm done.

The next incident took place in Köln, Germany, when a pair of young Aryan backpackers were dive-bombed while coolly and fastidiously appraising an old-timey war statue.




Unfortunately, Albrecht Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung and Margit Verantwortungszuständigkeiten were unavailable for comment, as they were killed. Margit's mother, Hildegarde, when asked about the incident, responded, "Ein beiläufiger Stroll durch das verrückte Asyl zeigt, dass Glaube nichts prüft."

Things were quiet for a few weeks until another, seemingly related event occurred in Yinchuan, China.




Young Nianzu was out for a stroll with his Ye Ye when this gigantic hummingbird, looking suspiciously similar to the avian predator in Germany, swooped down and grabbed little Nianzu in its weak feet, which are usually used just for perching. It is unknown what happened next as we do not speak Japanese or whatever.

The most recent and, let's hope, final attack hit a little closer to home last summer.



The winged sociopath struck again, this time on a warm and unnaturally hued sunny day in New York City. The hummingbird dive-bombed Washington Square, possibly in an attempt to impress a beautiful young Manhattanite wearing a confusingly bright purple silk shell from Loehmann's, and hit its head on the central fountain. After some brief twitching, it flopped to its side, released its bladder, and died. Its last words were "Rosebud."

Humans Willingly Put Deer Piss on Themselves

No joke. Did you guys know about this?!?!

Is it for safety reasons?
Who collects it?

Raccoons

This is a personal entry for me. This is about raccoons.

Growing up in rural Michigan, I didn't have much experience with fancy big-city animals like all you sophisticates out there in the suburbs. Sure, there was the occasional garter snake trying to suffocate me in my sandbox or the yearly deer revolt that usually took place during the county fair, when we were all drunk on cotton candy and 4H ribbons. Sometimes a box turtle would get confused during its land hibernation and drag a young local back into the lake for breeding. And there were the mice. My god, the mice: in the walls, in the kitchen, in my little sister's Barbie house, in the toe of my mother's 1970s brown naugahyde boot. But these were normal country occurrences, and we learned to deal with them.

Later, when I made my way out into the world, I realized that the animals of my youth were child's play. Later, I found out about raccoons.