Animal-Ese: An A-Z Guide

At some point, you will probably find yourself in a situation where an animal is trying to speak to you. Assuming that he or she wants to kill you is a safe bet, but sometimes the message will be more nuanced than that. Unless you are Timothy Treadwell and can speak "glarph," the international language of animals, you will have no idea what your opponent is saying. This guide will serve as a helpful tool in such situations and should probably be printed out, folded up, and carried around with you at all times.

aardvark: "yip" – translation: I don't like you.
bat: "squeaka squeaka" – translation: I'm not a vampire bat, because they only live in Central and South America, but I'm going to suck your blood anyway.
caterpillar: " " – translation: depends on inflection, but probably threatening
dolphin: "click click click click squeeeee" – translation: Hooray! The spaceship is finally coming for us!
earwig: "slurp" – translation: I am eating your brains.
frog: "ribbit" – translation: I would like to make out with you.
guinea pig: "eee" – translation: depends on which Guinea guinea pig is from (Guinea, Equatorial Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, New Guinea, Papua New Guinea, Guyana, French Guiana, or Ghana) but probably hungry
hedgehog: "snuffle, snuffle" – translation: What's this? A luscious ankle?
iguanadon: "RAAAR" – translation: Iguanadons are extinct. If you hear one you are in some sort of time warp and should find a safe cave. Sleestaks are probably also close by.
jellyfish: "slosh" – translation: I am going to gently caress your arm and then sting the shit out of you.
koala: "squaaah" – translation: I am going to rip you to shreds, motherfucker! Also, I am not a bear!!!
lamb: "bleheheheheheh" – translation: Hi!
marbled murrelet: "zzzzzhhhhh" – translation: zzzzzhhhhh
narwhal: "rrrrrr" – translation: I intend to impale you with my helical tusk.
octopus: "squishy squish" – translation: Triiiixie.
potoroo: "gah" – translation: I am going to kill you in your sleep.
quokka: "quokka quokka"– translation: Your child is smaller than you.
raven: "Nevermore." – translation: no translation necessary
sloth: "ahhhhhhhhh-eeeeeeeeeee" – translation: unknown
tsetse fly: "bzzz" – translation: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
uakari: "ooh ooh ah ah"– translation: hahahahaha
velvet worm: "vvvvmm" – translation: Touch me, I'm soft.
wolverine: – translation: Go blue.
xeme: "kaw" – translation: It is getting warm, and I am pissed.
yellow-bellied sapsucker: "tap tap tap tap tap" – translation: Your head looks sort of like a tree.
zebra: "kwah kwah kwah" – translation: danger, also: Let's stampede this idiot in our way.

Well, I hope this is helpful!