Heart-Felt Killers

'It's time to slay you, stupid. It's time to slice and dice./ They'll make mince meat of you, because the Muppets are not nice.'

Truer parody lyrics have never been written. Since they first appeared in 1955 on a local Washington D.C. television station with a program called "Sam and Friends," The Muppets have been ruthless rapists and murderers, sparing no one on their quest for world domination. Being that they are comprised of 70% reticulated polyfoam and not water, these sentient shower curtains can survive in any kind of harsh environment or terrain.

Over the past five decades, they have been portrayed in the media as cute, snarky little puppets, yet their offscreen track records say something entirely different. In 1978, Mr. Bunson Honeydew (isn't an actual licensed physician) was arrested in connection with the armed robbery of a Howard Johnson and the slaughtering of two of its employees with a chainsaw. In 1996, Pepe the King Prawn and Rizzo the Rat were charged, yet acquitted of the 1994 rape and murder of famous child model, Jonbenet Ramsey. And nobody can forget the infamous 2008 case of recent Sesame Street cast member, Abby Cadabby dropping the N-word and burning a Carlos Mencia effigy on a live telethon. There have also been numerous, documented accounts of unexplained infant deaths, originally thought to be caused by a rare form of sleep apnea, but many autopsy reports have later concluded that Sweetums, the gargantuan full-bodied Muppet, had been invading the children's dreams, Freddy Krueger-style, and scaring them to death.

Whether you take this story with a grain of salt or a grain of sugar, one thing is for certain: cold blooded killers or not, those Muppets definitely got something up their asses.