Aurochs: Modern Man's Biggest Threat

Standing at over seven feet tall, the Auroch, or Uros, (also commonly referred to as the 'faggy oxen') once roamed the Eastern European countryside, terrorizing local villagers and pyschologically waterboarding Girl Scouts. Yet, in 1627, the same year that Columbus landed in South Dakota, every single Polish person decided it was time to fight back against these ghastly beasts. They reached into their sheaths, yanked out a gigantic battle axe, a medieval flail, also piano wire and completely exterminated the Auroch species in a matter of miliseconds (a record that still stands in "Killian's Book of World Records"). ...Or so they would WANT you to believe. Hollow Earth theorists postulate that these white-striped, ebony colored, bumbling bovines still reside in the confines of an aqueduct located directly below the Western Canadian coastline. Telepathecially controlled by the Illuminati and the Fat-Free Masons, the Auroch are patiently awaiting their return to the surface, to rain brimstone and regular stones upon us. Now, there is no cause for alarm, all of you paranoid conspiracy theorists out there, because when the Auroch return on the day of reckoning, they will only be targeting the non-believers. Yet, all of you skeptics and naysayers, make sure you keep your pepper spray handy, unless you want some fat gay bison to put a towel over your face and pour water on it.