Cougars and Bears: WTF to Do. The Confusion Stops Here.

I’ve recently been asked to clear up a very confusing topic for both of our readers. The topic is: What on earth do you do if you encounter a cougar or a bear?

Take a poll yourself and I’m sure you’ll find the answers are widely varied. Act big, get small, retreat, create motion, stay still, lie down, get low, climb something, be loud, be quiet…

It seems nobody knows WTF to do. Today, here and now, we are going to untangle this mess of teeth and claws, and get into the minds of these vicious beasts.

A cougar, often referred to as the mountain lion, is by far the simpler of the two. It’s pretty clear what to do in the case of an encounter, and the warning signs are very clear in their instruction.

EXHIBIT A:



See – no mystery here. Back away slowly. Be Large and Shout. And if all else fails, offer the wildcat your least favorite child. Easy Peasy.

Cats of all types and sizes are pure unfiltered evil. Everyone knows that. People just don’t know what to do when they meet a super-sized cat. Imagine the same fiendish feline you have at home, and add 170-200 lbs. That’s a big heap of evil…

Bears, however, are apparently a little more complex, and have a wider range of emotional states and disturbances. They actually share some of the mental disorders that have plagued man throughout time, without the benefits of modern man’s medicine. They can suffer from depression, anxiety, and ADHD, just like we do. They just happen to weigh up to 800 lbs. and possess razor sharp teeth and claws, the speed of a moving vehicle, and the temperament of a toddler. This proves to be a deadly combination.

Just looking at Exhibit B shows how confusing this can be for your average camper.

EXHIBIT B:



According to my online research, when faced with a bear you would need to penetrate his mind first, and then consult your handbook to fully understand how to react.

Provoked Bear Attack: Act passively, humble your posture and do not look directly at the bear. Lie down in the prone position. Play dead or climb a tree.

Predatory Bear Attack: The bear is hunting or stalking you! You are being treated as potential food.

• Look as big as possible. Yell, scream, shout and wave your arms.

• Do not play dead if the bear considers you food. Yeah… I’m thinking chances are you probably won’t have to act.

• Jump up and down and fight back. Not because it’ll work, but because you should enjoy your movement one last time.

Depressed Bear Attack: The bear has approached you because it has been shunned from its own family and community. It wants a hug, but you still need to proceed with caution. This is the one and only time a bear may let you walk away unscathed, in exchange for a brief moment of mammal-to-mammal compassion.

Bored Bear Attack: This bear has nothing better to do and just wants to be entertained. You’re gonna die anyway, so you may as well oblige.... Again, enjoy your limbs while you have them. Do a celebratory death dance!

In any case, It’s not entirely clear to the person what sort of bear they are dealing with until after the attack, which is highly inconvenient. A rare few survive bear attacks, and these few are truly blessed with the privilege of peeking into the mind of their attacker. Simply by examining the wounds of bear attack survivors, ethologists have been able to determine the mental state of the attacking bear, at the time of attack.

EXHIBIT C: Markings reveal the mental state of the attacker.

WARNING:
THE IMAGES BELOW ARE VERY GRAPHIC
AND BADLY RENDERED.



Very Interesting... Well I hope this has cleared everything up. It is overwhelmingly apparent that if you encounter a bear, you will most likely die. So you know… go with the flow. Do what feels right in those last few moments of life in the great outdoors.