Hummingbirds: Giant Urban Killers

Hummingbirds are the smallest bird in the world and have no sense of smell. They can rotate their wings in a full circle and are the only bird that can fly backward, forward, up, down, sideways, and in hover mode. Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 200 times per second and dive 60 miles an hour during courtship. I've seen this. They do it out my back window, showing off for the fancy lady hummingbirds. It's amazing.

But also amazing is a phenomenon taking place in urban centers around the world: GIGANTIC HUMMINGBIRDS ARE ATTACKING HUMANS!




The scene above is in Lyon, France, where the oversized hummingbirds were first witnessed. Fortunately, the Frenchies featured in this photo were able to dart stylishly into the nearest café and take solace in Gauloises cigarettes, adorable little demitasses of espresso, and Johnny Hallyday tunes with no harm done.

The next incident took place in Köln, Germany, when a pair of young Aryan backpackers were dive-bombed while coolly and fastidiously appraising an old-timey war statue.




Unfortunately, Albrecht Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung and Margit Verantwortungszuständigkeiten were unavailable for comment, as they were killed. Margit's mother, Hildegarde, when asked about the incident, responded, "Ein beiläufiger Stroll durch das verrückte Asyl zeigt, dass Glaube nichts prüft."

Things were quiet for a few weeks until another, seemingly related event occurred in Yinchuan, China.




Young Nianzu was out for a stroll with his Ye Ye when this gigantic hummingbird, looking suspiciously similar to the avian predator in Germany, swooped down and grabbed little Nianzu in its weak feet, which are usually used just for perching. It is unknown what happened next as we do not speak Japanese or whatever.

The most recent and, let's hope, final attack hit a little closer to home last summer.



The winged sociopath struck again, this time on a warm and unnaturally hued sunny day in New York City. The hummingbird dive-bombed Washington Square, possibly in an attempt to impress a beautiful young Manhattanite wearing a confusingly bright purple silk shell from Loehmann's, and hit its head on the central fountain. After some brief twitching, it flopped to its side, released its bladder, and died. Its last words were "Rosebud."