Experiments Done “In Good Taste”

A team of scientists from Canada, Norway, and Greenland have joined forces to study the taste buds of humankind’s biggest predator of the north, the polar bear. Having fully established that they want to kill us, they have now set their sights on discovering which among us is the most appetizing.

Do they find us all equally delicious? Are we more or less likely to be eaten if we sweat profusely? Or if we wear Chanel No. 5? Between a Drakar Noir-slathered suit guy and an all-natural, hemp-clad vegan, who will be the preferred meal? Are we all created equal to a polar bear’s taste buds?

These are things that I think we’d all like to know. The first phase of the study utilized a family of Greenland’s polar bears in a blind taste test.



Controlled experiments were performed with one hungry polar bear per every two human individuals, who were either gracious or depressed enough to offer themselves to science. Comparisons of preferences to the following human traits were carefully noted and documented:

-Male vs. Female
-Portly vs. Slender
-Hairy vs. Completely Hairless
-Various combos of races and creeds, too numerous to list
-Sweaty vs. Freshly Scrubbed (mild Dove soap)
-Expensive vs. Cheap Perfume
-Perfume vs. No Perfume
-Tattoo vs. No Tattoo
-Meat Eating vs. Vegan
-Coke Drinker vs. Pepsi Drinker
-Blonde vs. Brunette
-Makeup vs. No Makeup

The study went into further detail in its efforts to try and differentiate between all of the participants. Long story short, in the end all of the effort and detail didn’t really make a difference. After wasting 500 various, painstakingly random human lives, the conclusive evidence was that there is absolutely nothing you can do or be as a human being to be any less delicious to a polar bear. It was revealed that every bit of our anatomy hits a different yummy button on the polar bear's tongue:



So in conclusion, if you see a polar bear, even at a great distance, you will be chased down and devoured like a tasty ham sammich, in spite of your bad weave and imposter perfume. The only bright spot in the findings of this study? Greenland's polar bears won't be hungry for quite a while.