The Greenland Coalition: An Exposé

Greenland has long been a hot destination for Scandinavian beach-goers seeking a Caribbean-like experience north of the equator.

Its Rigsfællesskabet status in 1979 propelled Greenland from secret Norse outpost to one of the world's poshest vacation locales, rivalling St. Tropez and the Maldives. Tourism in Nuuk and Greenland's other 17 towns(!) has skyrocketed, with local Inuits embracing the financial and sexual permissiveness of their bikini-clad visitors. However, as we all know, along with Speedos come predators, and Greenland is now a world's-largest-island-that-is-not-a-continent in crisis.

Last week was Shark Week, and we taught you a lot about sharks. Here's something we didn't tell you. The Greenland shark is one of the largest species of sharks in the world and lives in the Arctic waters of Greenland and Iceland (home of Björk). The Greenland shark's poisonous flesh has a high urea content, which is really good for curing heel fissures. Also, a long time ago, a man cut his daughter Sedna's fingers while drowning her. Each finger became a sea creature, including the Greenland shark (probably the middle finger). So that's the Greenland shark.

Meanwhile, the polar bear is on the verge of extinction because the planet is going to hell. For a while, it was trying to survive by eating Greenland sharks, which taste nice, kind of like fingers. But the Greenland shark's skin contains trimethylamine oxide and is only safe if boiled. Polar bears don't like to cook, so its Greenland-shark eating days were few.

Do you know what really taste like fingers? Human fingers. Greenland sharks know this, and they have now allied with endangered polar bears to form one of the worst predator coalitions in the history of civilization.

There will be no stopping this unlikely interspecies team of teeth and fur and blubber now that they have joined forces in the Arctic Circle. Reports have already surfaced of tag-team attacks in Qaqortoq and Upernavik, and it's only a matter of time until the killers reach Savissivik and, god forbid, Maniitsoq.

Until further notice, they want to kill us is listing Greenland as a high-danger travel destination and encourages viewers to plan beach vacations in Afghanistan or The Democratic Republic of Congo instead. If you do choose to visit Greenland, Afghanistan, or The Democratic Republic of Congo, please visit our site, as we do not yet have any readers in those locations.