It is never too early to teach your child about the realities of living on our planet. Some of you, in a futile attempt to stave off the inevitable apocalypse caused by global warming, may be showing your little ones how to compost and recycle. Others are modeling empathy and cooperation, qualities that will make for excellent subjects in an autocratic society. A smarter approach would be to give your future human the survival skills it needs to navigate the murky waters ahead. These common-sense tips are a first step in that direction.
Names
DO NOT name your child Teddy or Cat or anything that can be shortened to an animal name, such as Madison.
DO name your child Gloria or Archibald or something similarly stylish and sensible.
Books
DO NOT read your child stories like The Frog Prince, which encourages anthropomorphism and the desire to open-mouth kiss amphibians.
DO read classics like Little Red Riding Hood, which promotes appropriate fear reactions and savvy fashion sense.
Pets
DO NOT put your child at unnecessary risk by having a family dog, cat, hamster, or goldfish.
DO offer your child a fun substitute, like a houseplant or a pet rock!
Weekends
DO NOT take your child to the local petting zoo, where she will be lulled into a false sense of security and exposed to animal germs.
DO bring your child to the bank, drycleaner, or grocery store; or have him help you clean the basement.
Vacations
DO NOT, under any circumstances, take your child to Sea World.
DO consider a trip the famous granite quarries of Vermont, or take a tour of the major sites of America's Industrial Revolution of yesteryear.
The Future
DO NOT encourage your child to be a veterinarian, marine biologist, or animal conservationist.
DO train your child now for a future career in corporate middle management.
Life is filled with choices. We hope these practical examples will help you in your everyday decision-making process.
Names
DO name your child Gloria or Archibald or something similarly stylish and sensible.
Books
DO read classics like Little Red Riding Hood, which promotes appropriate fear reactions and savvy fashion sense.
Pets
DO offer your child a fun substitute, like a houseplant or a pet rock!
Weekends
DO bring your child to the bank, drycleaner, or grocery store; or have him help you clean the basement.
Vacations
DO consider a trip the famous granite quarries of Vermont, or take a tour of the major sites of America's Industrial Revolution of yesteryear.
The Future
DO train your child now for a future career in corporate middle management.
Life is filled with choices. We hope these practical examples will help you in your everyday decision-making process.
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