It's Not Worth It

I can't get too far into this blog without saying a few words about bestiality. Listen, we've all thought about having sex with an animal. They're super sexy. But never forget that they want to kill us. You may find that kind of hot if you're one of those people who's into things like scalding candle wax dripping slowly between the lacy edges of your ripped bodice or black leather tie-straps pressing into your vulnerable yet acquiescent flesh while masked, outrageously attractive but intelligent and witty onlookers gasp in excitement. Sure, I get it. But there is no safe word with a wild animal.

Look at that guy in Seattle, the one who had sex with the horse. That guy died. There was a whole movie about it. I saw it, and it is probably partially to blame for this blog. Because that guy really loved that horse. Not just a crush, he LOVE loved it. If he could have, I think he would have married it and bought a two-story Colonial in suburban Pennsylvania with it, decorated in contemporary Pottery Barn or, depending on their tastes, IKEA furnishings. And so he went to dark secret meetings in the country with other people who also LOVE loved horses, and one night, he went out back and stripped naked and let the horse know how he felt and died.

In summary, I do not recommend bestiality unless you are larger and stronger than your partner.